You know how people say when you're about to die, your whole life flashes before your eyes? I have no idea if that's true. I do know what I saw in what could have been the last minute of your life. When you started over the rail, in the split second before I got hold of you, I saw what my life would be like without you. Despite what I had just told you, I saw a gaping emptiness and felt a despair that even now cuts me like a knife. I knew in that moment I couldn't lose you. I surrendered to you yet again. After the CO helped me pull you back up, and they took you to the infirmary, I went and sat in my pod and watched my hands shake, and tried not to think.
I knew when you saved me that you still loved me. When I went over that rail, I didn't care. If I couldn't have you - - if I really had lost you - - then what was the fuckin' point? I'd be better off dead. But then I saw your eyes, the look of surrender in them, and I never in my life wanted to live as much as I did at that moment.
"I'm going to admit what I did, and try and make it right, get your parole reinstated."
"It won't help, Chris. I still committed the crime."
"Then tell me what to do. Hurt me. Beat the shit out of me. Send me back to death row."
"I can't do any of that, Chris."
"Do you want me to confess to the murders?"
"So what now?"
"Same as always. We find a way to live with the things we do."
I didn't think I could forgive you again. Not this time, not for getting me put back in here. But time has passed, and the shock of almost losing you made me realize that I was as responsible as you for my being back here. Because as good as the outside was, the sun on my face, the feel of rain, and especially being with my kids again, I ached for you. I told you I slept with Marion. It was nice, polite, gentle sex. No one sets me on fire the way you do. And it's not just sex. I went through the motions of a normal life, but everything seemed so fucking insignificant. Because of my time in Oz? Certainly it makes you get your priorities in order. But I would be at a party, making small talk, and wonder what you would think of it all. If you were there with me, what would you think of those people? Would you make the same small talk I did, and when we got home, while we were undressing for bed, would we make fun of them? Would you make one of your wickedly accurate and frequently obscene observations that always makes me laugh? But that would never happen. The two of us together outside. So maybe I subconsciously made the decision to come back to you. I enabled you to do what you did.
You amaze me. I couldn't forgive me if I were you. Why the fuck didn't I realize that at the time? Because I don't ever think anything through? I was happy for you, I really was. You were free. It should've been enough. But then I got selfish. You got me off death row, and I couldn't face not having you here with me. See, you think I'm so strong, but I'm not. That's why I got you sent back here. I'm weak.
"Can you live with what I did to you, Toby?"
"Yes. It'll get easier, Chris. It always does."
"Until the next time I fuck you over?"
"I'm no good, Toby. You should've left me on death row."
"I couldn't do that, Chris. I was out, I was free. And while I could deal with you being in here, I couldn't conceive a world without you in it."
"But I honestly deserved to be there. I'm going to hell, Toby. All the men I've killed ..."
"I have as many deaths on my conscience. We'll deal with it together."
We're quite a pair. But I think you're even more fucked up than I am, and that's saying a lot. But you can't take sole responsibility for all the murders you committed. Actually, when you get down to it, we're close to even. Unless there's some I don't know about. Which is certainly possible. I have the lives I took on my conscience: Kathy Rockwell, Genevieve, Gary ... and don't tell me Gen and Gary aren't mine. My actions caused their deaths. Hank Schillinger, Metzger ... though I can't feel too bad about that one. And there's Andrew. That's mine, too. My father, for Chrissake. And you, you have those three men and the store owner. Browne, Shemin, Barlog. I own part of them, too. I forced you to do that. Franklin Winthrop, too. And Vern. Vern is ours together, just as he has always been. After all, he helped make us the men we are. It was only logical we would turn on our creator.
Sometimes I think you like feeling guilty. It's not enough you have to bear the guilt of that little girl. You have to feel bad about everything. Your wife and kid - - that was rough, I know, but why not lay the blame where it belongs - - with Vern. And Metzger, he needed putting down. Hell, you probably even feel guilty about Vern. I know I'm fucked up, but I can't feel remorse for him or the others I've killed in here. The three guys I fucked and killed, the store owner, they're the ones I feel guilt about. They're the ones that haunt me, late at night, the way that little girl haunted you.
"Lights out, thank God."
"You feel so good, Toby. Take these off, I want you naked."
"You, too, I want to feel your skin next to mine. Touch me, Chris."
"Like this, baby?"
"Yes, like that. Chris, I missed this."
"Me, too, babe, me too."
"You missed this?"
"Oh, God, yeah, like that, Toby. Do that again."
"I love the look on your face right now."
"And I love that sound you make when I do this ..."
"Uhh, Chrissss ... I'm gonna - - "
"Me, too, baby."
"Love you, Chris."
"Love you, Toby."
So we're back together, and it's so good. One day, we'll face all this again. I'll go and he'll stay. I don't know how we'll handle it, what we might do. In the early hours of morning, while I'm still in Chris's arms and before I have to move back to my own bunk, I dream of how I wish it could be. There's some miracle and Chris is released from prison, and we're together, we're free together. Forever. I know it's just a dream, but sometimes I can almost feel it, walking with him in the sun, lying in sweet green grass kissing him, just the simple act of being in his arms in daylight. I awaken, sad, but feel Chris next to me and I'm thankful for the time I do have with him.
I know I'm gonna lose him again. He'll come up for parole again, and he'll get it. Until then, I'm making the most of every moment I have left with him. It's good again, the way it used to be. Only without the threat of Vern hanging over us. We spend as much time as we can together. And after lights out, we fuck until we're exhausted, then we hold each other. I'll sleep when I'm alone again. I want him to be free. I just pray when the time comes, I can be strong enough to let him go.
"Toby, we need to talk."
"I thought I was supposed to say that."
"I'm serious. I need for you to know how much I love you. You're the only one who's ever made me feel like this."
"I love you too, Chris. And I feel the same way. It's never been like this for me, either."
"When you get out next time, I want you to forget about this place. Don't come and see me. Get on with your life. Promise me."
"I can't do that. I'll try and get on with my life, but I'll never forget you. And I want to see you. I want my kids to know you."
"You can refuse to see me, Chris, but that won't stop me from coming here."
"You know, sometimes ..."
"It's stupid, because it'll never happen, but sometimes I let myself think about being free. Being with you."
"I know. Me, too. Come here."
"I don't want to lose you, Toby."
"We'll never truly lose each other. I'll always be with you, just like you'll always be with me."
- The End -
Title: Surrender in your Eyes
Websites: Maddie's Fanfiction
Feedback: Yes, please!
Warnings: This story contains a m/m sexual relationship.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't make any money off them.
First Published: April 17, 2004
Notes: Thanks to Ahavia for beta. This is for all my new cool B/K friends. You guys are great!
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